tangguh lagi? (postpone, again?) i ask myself when my better half proposed for a new wedding date. this time he suggested his birthday on the 29th of march (*not actual month) in conjuction with his 29th birthday, which is in 2009. my heart sank the minute he suggested it.
he had, in the course of our 7-going on-8-years of courtship, asked twice, maybe three times for postponement. during our final semester in um, we had briefly discussed and agreed to get married in 2006 (if i remember correctly. or is it 2005?). nearing 2006, he told me maybe we should get married in 2008, which is fine by me as we are both just settling in our careers. and now, nearing 2008, he dropped the bomb, again. and now it’s in 2009 that we should get married.
the thing with me is, i will duly wait if he ask me another ten years. or until he’s ready, whenever it is. i dont want to just get married. i want to marry him. and if after waiting for my whole life he still is not ready, i should die an old maid. after all these years i’m still madly in love with him, and i find myself still falling in love, head over heels, every time i see him.
the only thing is, we are both of same age, though by default i’m two weeks older than him. that makes me worry. a lot. to the extent that i cried last night just thinking about it. i have been praying every night, asking God to nudge my guy in the direction of getting married in 2008. i tell God every night that i’d like to get married next year, the very least in the end of 2008. and when my guy ask for another year, i felt like God hasnt granted me my wish. i cant lose faith in Him. i know God knows what’s best for me so maybe this is a blessing in disguise. maybe this is a wake up call for me, to learn to stand up to my guy, demand a bit. i have been agreeing with him in this marriage matter so maybe it’s high time i told him what i want.
it’s probably my fear of getting old, as we are of the same age. men get this age thing easily. they can still father two children at the age of 56 (michael douglas, for example. or rupert murdoch, 70 when he had his first child with his third wife). we women cant get off easily like men. we have expiry date. we are not fit to give birth at the age of 60, unless it’s a miracle. and as we are of the same age, i fear that i would age quicker than him. i notice my dad is more handsome now in his early 60s than in his 20s. and i notice the same with my guy. he’s not the 19-year-old guy that i had a crush on anymore. he has a pair of small dimples that i didnt notice before every time he smiles. he’s much handsome now than 7 years ago. and as he age, he’ll look much better. that worries me. i cant imagine as we grow old, he’ll start looking around for younger girls. and that’s why when he asked for another year, i started to panic.
maybe, just maybe, i should address this to him. we havent really discuss this marriage thing seriously actually, never have a sit down, heart-to-heart discussion. maybe i should try it one of these days.